Body and Mind

 A few Saturdays ago I woke up feeling good. So good that I thought I could run. But as the day went on I unconvinced myself of that. It had been 12 weeks since I fractured my pelvis and 7 weeks since I had run. I have to wait just a few more weeks I told myself. So, I rested some more. Sunday, I woke up and ate a banana and some peanut butter. I drank some water and found my ipod. I put on my running shoes and told hubby I was going for a walk. A half mile down the road, I tried to run. A few minutes (okay like 2 minutes) in I felt a familiar ache. I walked again, and tried to run again. I did this a few times before I gave up. I made it about 2.5 miles altogether. Lame, I thought. It has now been 14 weeks since the fracture and 9 weeks since I have really run. I have tried this a total of three times. Each time I get the same result.

 Speaking of results, part of my doctor's orders were to get a bone density, or DEXA scan (learn more here: http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?pg=dexa). Well, the scan came back slightly abnormal. I will know the full results after my consultation on Monday. Due to the lower than normal bone density results, the doctor that ran the DEXA scan requested blood work and a 24 hour urine sample. Both of those came back absolutely fine. So, I am not really sure what he is going to suggest I do. On Wednesday, I go see the Sports Medicine Orthopedist. I am hoping for an x-ray and some good news. From what I understand healed bone shows up bright and white on an x-ray. I want to hear that I am healed or almost healed. I want to hear a time frame for when I can start running again. Not running makes me feel empty. And fat. And lazy and purposeless. I know all of those words don't really describe me, but it is how I FEEL. Running gives me an incredible sense of self. Yes, I am still practicing Bikram yoga. I enjoy it very much. I also occasionally use the elliptical machine. I don't enjoy that very much. I can walk my dog through the park. This is my favorite thing and I am glad I can enjoy it again.

 What I don't want is to lose my self esteem. When I started running I was too heavy for my own comfort. During my journey I have lost about 28lbs. At 5ft 2 that is a lot of weight! Anyway, I felt sloppy and unhealthy. When I feel that way I feel like I am unattractive and I don't really like myself. So I started working on my health and my body. Now that I feel like my body has failed me, I realize that I need to work on mind. Easier said than done. This whole thing has been a crazy roller coaster ride. Is it too much to hope that this could be almost over? Is it too much to ask that life could resume as planned? I miss my running friends. I miss the roads and the trails. I miss the quiet evenings and early mornings. I even miss the ache in my legs and lungs. I have to keep pushing away the doubt that creeps into my mind and the little voice that says, "You won't run again." I also need to focus on the happy days and the positive aspects of my life of which there are many. I do need to remember that other runners have been injured and recovered. They run again. They race, and they win. I am going to be one of them, too. But first I have to heal.