And Bikram...

 In my quest to not go crazy while not running, I decided to start practicing yoga. Not regular yoga, but Bikram yoga. It's 105 degrees and for 90 minutes you put your body in 26 compromising positions. Sweat pours from your skin like water. Your heart thuds into your ears and you may get lighted-headed. Are you sold yet? But wait! There's more! I actually really liked it. I am going back tomorrow, and Wednesday.
 The point was not to go crazy, but a few months ago I would have thought that even trying Bikram was crazy. But, running made me look deep into myself. Not being able to run made me question everything that I thought I knew about myself. Yes, I love to run. Yes, it frees me. But it has also opened my eyes to all the other things that are left to be done. Without running being my go to for stress relief I can try new things. I can try yoga. I could swim. I could read and try new recipes. I could start a blog.
 So, it starts with Bikram. I was supposed to go on Saturday. I chickened out. I made excuses...I have nothing to wear, I won't feel up to dinner later, I need to drink more water first...well, you get the idea. So, Sunday, Mother's Day, rolls around and now what? I drank water all day the day before. I bought a yoga "outfit". I was still petrified. What if I couldn't do it? What if I looked fat and ridiculous? Would the others judge me? So, I waited until the last class of the day, and I got in my car and drove to the studio. In I went and then, I was at yoga! I made it through all 90 minutes. Now, I have to admit the first 20 minutes or so, I judged myself. I judged my thighs and my tummy. I judged my posture (not postures, just posture!). I compared myself to the other ladies around me on their mats. But, they weren't looking at me. They were looking in the mirror, or on the spot on the ceiling during their posture. So, I followed suit. I concentrated on the movements and my breathing. On my image, yes, but now because I wanted to see what it looked like to be in the posture. I forgot the heat, the other women, my fear. I was looking inside of myself. I was looking at the internal determination that made it possible for me to run mile after mile when I was tired. The determination that made me put on those shoes and hit the pavement again and again.
 Bikram is intense. It isn't running; only running is running. But it accomplished what it set out to be, which is another way to allow me concentrate on making myself whole. It helps me find myself, to lose myself and find myself again. It is 90 minutes of just being. It's no nine minute mile, but for now, it'll have to do.